In an unexpected twist that has left political pundits, conspiracy theorists, and poll watchers scratching their heads (and, in some cases, their antennae), reports have surfaced that illegal aliens—actual extraterrestrials from distant planets—are not only landing on Earth but are casting their votes in the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election.
These cosmic newcomers have traveled across galaxies, apparently not to harvest Earth’s resources or enslave humanity, but to exercise their democratic right to vote. Despite lacking U.S. citizenship (or, frankly, any earthly citizenship), these intergalactic voters have quickly familiarized themselves with Earth politics and have opinions—very strong opinions.
Among these otherworldly visitors, political preferences have varied dramatically, but one thing is clear: they’re surprisingly well-informed. The Fake News Corp was lucky enough to catch up with some of these alien voters at an undisclosed polling station (conveniently located next to a cornfield covered in crop circles), and the responses were, shall we say, out of this world.
Zlorpax-5, a three-eyed creature from the Nebulon system, shared his thoughts on the race:
“I have long admired the Earthling known as Donald Trump. His policies on space force development resonate with us on Nebulon-9. The man’s dedication to building a ‘beautiful wall’ around Earth’s atmosphere? Genius! That’ll keep those pesky Martians out. We need leaders who take planetary defense seriously.”
However, not all extraterrestrials share Zlorpax’s admiration for Earth’s most famous hairpiece-wearing candidate. Many have flocked to a different side of the political spectrum.
Glorbinak-12, a jelly-like life form from the distant star system Zoglar-3, voiced her support for Vice President Kamala Harris:
“Kamala’s environmental policies are the best hope for saving your planet. On Zoglar-3, we watched our homeworld melt because we ignored climate change for too long. Kamala’s focus on clean energy and her ‘Green New Deal’ is very similar to what we should have done. Plus, I like that she worked at McDonald’s. I’ve heard a lot about those ‘Big Macs.'”
Naturally, rumors have been swirling that these alien voters are part of a larger galactic conspiracy. Some Earthling politicians have even accused these extraterrestrials of colluding with foreign powers (specifically, the government of Uranus) to sway the election.
In response, Thraxor, a towering, tentacled being from Planet Zorg, denied any such collusion:
“We come in peace and in democracy. Besides, Zorgians would never align with Uranus. Have you seen their political system? It’s chaos. We’re here to vote for Earth’s future because, let’s face it, if you humans mess this planet up any more, we’ll need to move in. Frankly, Trump’s policies on real estate appeal to us. Lots of room for new developments.”
Human reaction to the sudden influx of alien voters has been mixed. Some conspiracy theorists have pointed to this event as proof that “they’ve been here all along,” while others are simply baffled by the idea of an extraterrestrial voting bloc.
One anonymous poll worker shared his confusion:
“Look, I’m not saying I’m against alien participation, but… are they even allowed to vote? I mean, sure, they brought their own IDs—one guy showed me a holographic projection of his entire family tree dating back 12,000 light years—but are we even allowed to accept that? I’m gonna need some guidance here.”
Despite their confusing legal status, these cosmic citizens have voiced strong opinions on human political policies.
Zyborian-8, a gelatinous figure who floats three feet above the ground, expressed his love for Bernie Sanders, who is not running but apparently still maintains interstellar support:
“We Zyborrans believe in universal healthcare—literally. We’ve had universal healthcare for 4,000 years. You Earthlings are still debating it? Hilarious. If Bernie were in charge, you wouldn’t be dealing with such primitive problems like medical debt. We also appreciate his stance on free education. We Zyborrans learn how to pilot spacecraft in preschool.”
Meanwhile, Xarnak the Conqueror of Planet Glarb—who prefers to go by “Steve” in an attempt to “fit in”—offered his views on the most important political issue of all: tax cuts.
“Look, as a businessman and emperor of my planet’s largest asteroid mining operation, I can tell you that Trump’s tax cuts for the ultra-wealthy make perfect sense. The rich get richer, and then we can hire more humans to work on our asteroid farms. It’s a win-win, really.”
It’s unclear how many extraterrestrial beings have successfully cast their votes, but some political analysts predict that this unexpected voter base could, in fact, swing the election. Early reports from Neptune’s outposts suggest aliens are evenly split between the two major candidates, although a few have voiced support for third-party options like “The Robot Party” or the “Galactic Green Alliance.”
As one final vote of support, N’gh’tzl, a being from the Andromeda Galaxy who communicates entirely through glowing lights and vibrations, flashed his message through a translator device:
“We believe in your Earthly concept of democracy. Your election is fascinating, although primitive. We are still deciding between Kamala Harris’s policies on environmental preservation and Trump’s efforts to expand space exploration. But whatever happens, may the best human win—or at least, may they not destroy the planet.”
In conclusion, while these extraterrestrials may not be legal voters by any stretch of the imagination (or, indeed, the U.S. Constitution), their passion for Earth politics is both puzzling and heartwarming. As we draw closer to the election, one thing is clear: Earth’s future isn’t just in human hands—it’s also in the tentacles, claws, and antennae of some very opinionated beings from galaxies far, far away.
Stay tuned for more updates, Earthlings, because it’s not just your world anymore—it’s the galaxy’s election too.
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