Every four years, the world begs for my attention—and it’s about time they showed some respect.
Every four years, the world begs for my attention—and it’s about time they showed some respect.
By A Proudly Uninformed Independent Voter
I have a confession to make that may shock some of you: I don’t have an opinion. On anything. Not on politics, not on the economy, not even on whether pineapple belongs on pizza (it does, by the way, but that’s about as opinionated as I get). And you know what? I like it that way. In fact, I thrive in my glorious state of non-opinion. I am the Bermuda Triangle of opinions: everything gets sucked in, but nothing ever comes back out.
Now, while you may think this sounds irresponsible—or worse, lazy—I can assure you that it’s the smartest move I’ve ever made. Why? Because every four years, like clockwork, I transform from an ordinary, apathetic citizen into the most important person on the planet: an independent voter.
That’s right. As soon as election season rolls around, the entire world suddenly cares about me. Political analysts, news anchors, candidates themselves—all clamoring for my attention like a child desperately tugging on their parent’s sleeve. “What do you think?” they ask, practically begging me to grace them with my almighty decision. It’s amazing. You should try it.
You see, by refusing to align myself with any particular party or ideology, I have become a political unicorn—rare, mystical, and incredibly valuable. It’s like being the last slice of pizza at a party where no one is willing to grab it first. They’re all circling around, eyes locked on me, waiting to see what I’ll do.
What they don’t realize is that my indecision is actually a brilliant strategy. While my friends and family spend their days reading articles, watching debates, and getting into heated arguments about policy positions, I’m blissfully watching cat videos on YouTube. Why? Because I know that, in the end, none of it really matters. Every four years, the candidates will still come crawling to me, desperately seeking my approval like a needy ex.
And let me tell you, it’s exhausting being courted like this. For three-and-a-half years, I am free. Free from caring, free from listening to talking heads on TV, free from debates about tax policies. But then, election season hits, and suddenly everyone’s interested in my “unique perspective.” Pollsters are calling, Facebook ads are targeting me, and both parties want to know what I think about the future of this great nation.
Here’s my trick: I keep my opinions so vague, so indecipherable, that no one can ever pin me down. When someone asks who I’m voting for, I just give them a shrug and say something like, “I’m still weighing my options.” It’s the perfect answer. It makes me seem thoughtful and engaged, while secretly buying me another month of peaceful non-opinion.
When I’m really feeling wild, I’ll throw in a line like, “I just want what’s best for the country.” It’s the kind of thing that sounds deep but says absolutely nothing. Candidates eat that stuff up. They think they’ve got a shot at winning me over, and honestly, I just like watching them squirm.
The beauty of being an opinion-free independent is that both sides think they can win you. And they’ll try so hard. The ads will get more personal, the town halls will come to your neighborhood, and the mailers? Don’t get me started on the endless mailers. All for me! It’s like being the belle of the political ball—except, instead of choosing a dance partner, I’m just trying to figure out if I’ll even show up to the dance.
What most people don’t realize is that not having an opinion is actually the ultimate power move. While others are consumed with anxiety over whether their candidate will win, I get to sit back, sip my coffee, and enjoy the spectacle. It’s like watching a reality TV show—except at the end, one of the contestants gets nuclear codes.
People are always shocked when I tell them I don’t follow the news. “But how will you know who to vote for?” they ask. Easy. I just wait until the last minute, read one article (usually with the word “Explained” in the title), and then I flip a coin. It’s foolproof. After all, why should I bother forming an opinion when the candidates will spend millions trying to win me over anyway?
And besides, no matter who wins, the world keeps turning. Whether it’s blue or red, I’ll still have to pay my taxes, go to work, and figure out what to make for dinner. So why stress about it?
So here I am, opinionless and loving it. Sure, you could say I’m apathetic, or that I’m part of the problem—but hey, at least I’m not stressed. Every four years, I get to play the political field, let the candidates fight for my affection, and then flip a coin and call it a day. It’s a sweet gig, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So to all you political junkies out there, stressing over polls and platforms: relax. Take a page out of my book. Just stop caring. You’ll still get all the attention come election time, but without any of the emotional baggage. And trust me, you’ll love it.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a cat video to watch.
Sincerely,
The Proudly Unopinionated Independent
