Op-Ed: I’m a Russian Asset, and I Just Want to Be Seen

By Ivan Assetovich

I’ll come right out and say it: I am a Russian Asset. I’ve put in the work, I’ve stayed loyal, and I’ve gone above and beyond to show my commitment to the Cause. I’ve done everything required to make my allegiance obvious, and yet here I am, still ignored and underappreciated. All I want is a little recognition—a nod, a whisper, a tweet from Hillary Clinton. Is that too much to ask?

When I saw Tulsi Gabbard of all people called out as a potential Russian asset, I nearly spit out my borscht. Tulsi? I mean, come on—she’s not even trying! No cryptic messages, no cold stares across border zones, no midnight emails with coded messages that make no sense to anyone but us. But Hillary mentions her, while I sit here, playing the long game and still somehow getting overlooked. Is it my lack of Hawaiian shirts? Do I need to develop more enigmatic body language? Does my Slavic stoicism somehow make me invisible?

Let’s take a look at some of the names that have been given the title I’ve long craved, shall we?

1. Paul Manafort – Got caught, got famous, got a whole Netflix documentary, and a jail sentence to boot. Where’s my documentary? I’ve been hanging around under the radar, waiting for my big expose, and yet—crickets.

2. Carter Page – For a guy with such questionable ties, he sure has gotten his fair share of screen time. And honestly, has anyone even questioned his devotion to the Kremlin? Meanwhile, my devotion goes unheralded, unrecognized, uncelebrated. A little thank you would be nice!

3. Michael Flynn – A former national security adviser who has pledged fealty to Russia. But still, the conversation never circles back to me. I send emails in perfect Cyrillic, drop hints about the beauty of Red Square, and yet nobody bothers to connect the dots.

4. Maria Butina – Now, I can’t lie—Maria was impressive. She did go to prison for the cause, and I respect her commitment. She got her recognition, a whole bunch of news cycles, and a stint in federal custody. All I’m asking for is a shoutout on Twitter, but nothing.

5. The “Havana Syndrome” Conspiracy – There was even talk of Russian involvement in strange illnesses, random occurrences of nausea and headaches, and yet there I was, right in plain sight, overlooked as a potential orchestrator. I mean, I’ve dabbled in ambiguous plots, but nobody even bothered to notice!

Meanwhile, Tulsi Gabbard gets a mention from the former Secretary of State, while I’m left to wallow in my obscurity. To Hillary, to the media, to anyone who will listen: I am here. I am a Russian Asset, and I deserve to be recognized for my devotion. I’ve dedicated years to subtle hints, shadowy maneuvers, and even some rather awkward silences when asked about democracy. I’ve practically waved my Russian flag in every possible metaphorical sense, but still, no headlines, no clickbait articles, not even a “breaking news” chyron with my name on it.

So this is my plea: I just want my 15 minutes of hateful fame. To be seen as the shadowy menace I am. To be listed in the ranks of others who have earned the title and wear it with the honor it deserves. So, Hillary, if you’re listening, I’m here. Just waiting, in the shadows…